Lately, I have been in a tower moment. For those who may not know what this means I’ll elaborate. A tower moment is a time when there is great change or shifts in one’s life. It is the deconstruction of established patterns and set ways of thinking. A lot of the time it feels like one’s walls are falling down around them.
I am at the stage where my walls have been crumbled and I am left standing…wondering what to do next.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have two options…
The first being, rebuild my tower with stubbornness and fear. In doing so, go back to the way things were.
I have been quite the wall builder. I loved my walls…they made me safe and cozy…where no one could get to me. I was protected and no one could reach me on a heart level.
Sure, I had a few friends and I “trusted” them…but I had my walls firmly in place. You know…just in case of any catastrophes…like them rejecting me in some manner. Rejection is the most horrid thing in my world.
I can look at my psychological landscape and rebuild in a different manner.
I can look at all the bumps, bruises and scars…and see something of potential. I can look at the ugliness of the past and see the loveliness it can breed. I can survey the landscape and see where I can create beauty.
Number one is not an option really…so I am choosing number two.
I know it will be a long process. This is not one of those times where one cocoons themselves away and comes out a butterfly. This is the time where I have to build the bricks individually. Laying them down with courage and self-love.
How am I going to build these bricks?
With each day and each experience that comes my way. They will be created by the choices I make, not out of fear, but out of the love I have for myself and the vision of the person I have always wanted to be. Choosing freedom for I have been under the thumb of one thing or an other my whole life. Whether it was family or my own self does not matter…I am freeing myself. I know there will be moments when I want to crawl under the rubble. Rejection and fear are bitches…but those bitches are not going to own me anymore.
What is my new tower going to look like?
I have no idea. Really. That is the wonder of it all. I am seriously joyful at this point…because I get to create. I will take the materials of my life right now and mould it until it is what I want to see. I grew up in such a dark place, I want the light to shine. I will make sure there are windows so that I can receive the light that others want to share with me. I will be sure to build doors so that I can welcome positivity. I will also slam it shut when that familiar darkness comes knocking.
Tower card moments in life do not have to be all destruction and sadness. Sure we hurt and kick and scream…but after we are done with our tantrums…we can see the wonder that is opening in front of us. I learnt this piece of truth from a grasshopper that visited me.
During my tower hermiting, I was trying to get my dog out the door for a walk. I was still very much cursing the universe for what I saw as injustices. Then I saw it. A little grasshopper. He some how got himself caught inside the mudroom. I asked him what he was thinking of getting himself lost like that. So I set myself to catching it. As I did…I wondered if this little guy had a message for me. He did.
Grasshoppers do not jump backwards or to the side…they jump forwards at all times. I have read they are very adept at reading sound vibrations. This tells me they are highly sensitive to how they feel. These two facets of the grasshopper told me this..
That it was time to stop going backward and go forwards and to do so bravely. It takes courage to jump as far as the grasshopper does and have faith that one will land safely. I like to also think that their ability to jump so high and far brings them joy and fun. I’ll most definitely be embracing that energy.
To follow my inner voice…my inner being and truth. It has always been there…I am now in a place where I can listen. So I better start and that beginning will bring so much more colour to my life.
Thank you little grasshopper for visiting me. You have delivered your message loudly. As I rebuild I am going to paint my new tower with so many colors and textures, It is going to be beautiful.
I hope that you will share with me your journeys through life changing moments. How did you come through it and how did these events change you? Please feel free to comment I’d love to hear from you.