What a fucking scary word!
I’ve been thinking a lot about being vulnerable recently. It makes me think about the Nine of Swords card in the tarot. The anxiety, the fear and terror. This all is intimately connected to being vulnerable. Especially when one has a background of abuse or neglect.
For me being vulnerable is a very hard thing to be. It means I have to continue to let down my walls of “screw you” that pop up to protect me. It has been hard for me but so much a valuable learning experience. I am very thankful for this…but damn those sleepless nights. I plan to keep going though and that is the key.
Even though I’m really feeling the 9 of Swords energy right now…I am also feeling the Ace of Wands energy.
That feeling of passion, creativity and boldness. It is a spark in me that has always been there…and I want to feed it. I want that spark to become a fire, a raging life that is fuelled by being vulnerable and not giving a damn. I want it to be like when I was a child and had not learned to fear yet. What a beautiful gift that spark is. Do you feel it? I hope you do! Grab it…let yourself be infused with that fire!
You see for me, I cloak my vulnerability in detachment.
Let me explain. As an older child I learnt to remove my feelings and place them in a mental box. Hidden away and not felt. To feel was scary and it hurt. If I had emotional reactions I was told to stop and grow up. So to me being an adult meant not feeling, or at least…not showing it. To be vulnerable was a way to pain and further damage.
I have learnt over the years an important truth from all this…
hiding only leads to loneliness and depression. Anxiety over the possibility that one has shared to much of oneself only causes one to be isolated. This is so damaging to a species that thrives on community and connection. It is damaging to us individually and collectively.
The Ace of Wands energy will give us the inspiration and the boldness to be vulnerable in the face of fear. Let us burn away the reservations we have. Throw it to flames and see what the smoke inspires in us.
All the Aces have special gifts for us to utilize in our journey to healthy vulnerability.
The Ace of Pentacles gives a feeling of solidity and safety, like a fully opened root chakra.
The Ace of Cups helps with open expression and release of emotions attached to our fears and protected pieces of ourselves.
The Ace of Swords grants us the ability to see clearly, cut through the shit and get to the meat of the matter at hand.
All the Aces are beautiful Shadow Work partners. Their energies will help us to be more in our bodies, feelings and minds. We must be in touch with our selves to process and allow openness to happen in beautiful healing ways. I highly suggest grabbing an ace and meditating with it. See where your spirit takes you and what wisdom you can glean from your focus on your chosen Ace.
Here is a easy formula to get you started on meditation if you do not already have a practice in place.
1) Get your self a quiet and comfortable place to sit or lay down.
2) Get your chosen card and focus on it for a few minutes. Memorize how it looks and imagine what it’s textures feel like. place yourself in the picture if you like.
3) Close your eyes. allow your mind to relax. don’t worry about clearing your mind and having no thoughts…that is pretty much impossible. Just relax. let the thoughts come and go as they please. Gently Direct your thoughts towards the card you have chosen. pay attention to the feelings and thoughts that come to you. When you feel an important thought or feeling has come to you…explore it. Gently ask it questions like Why, How, Who ect. See where this leads you.
4) Do this for as long as you chose. Please be gentle with yourself. There is no need to force anything. If nothing comes to you the first time let it be. Try again at an other time.
Being vulnerable can feel very overwhelming, but if we love ourselves through the process…we will come out of it with more confidence. We will learn great things about ourselves…more than we imagined. We will see how much we are loved in the world…if only we allow ourselves to be open and expressive with those around us.
My love to you all,