Hello Dear Readers.
If you have been reading some of my past Blogs…you will know a little something about my family. Today I wanted to talk about toxic relationships with our parents.
Before I go forward in this blog I will give a disclaimer. I do not come on here to bash, speak ill of or otherwise of my family. I share these things because they are the experiences I have had, unfortunately, they have not been positive or life-affirming. I love my family, My family is just not healthy for me or each other. I’m sure there are many of you out there that can relate and understand this.
So…Toxic Relationships. where do we start eh?
I will start with what prompted this blog. A certain family member of mine seems to think it appropriate to send me messages around birthdays and Christmas. They have started early this year. 😀
Why is this a problem for me?
Because this individual is not an individual that is good for me to have in my life. It is a sad fact because I love them but can not have them around me. They are the type of person to seek out the negative, speak to me in ways that are demeaning and has never been emotionally supportive of me.
Over the years with this person messaging me when they do…it has brought sadness and other feelings to the surface. I have admittedly allowed this to affect me greatly and essentially ruin my birthdays and holidays.
Now Is that their fault, No.
Because I am the one that chooses how I feel and deal. I have blamed them for causing me hurt at those times and have not taken responsibility for my own self.
This is not to say you can not have feelings when situations arise, allow the feelings, just do not dwell there. It is fucking hard not to, I get that. It’s just that if we do dwell there…we will not move forward, will we?
Here are some items of action I use to help me in these situations.
- Embracing myself. I give myself extra love and kindness.
- Process the feelings. Rage scream. Write it out and burn the pages. Speak it out in some form.
- Get extra support from my friends. If you have supportive family members seek them out.
I have found that a combination of these works for me. I enjoy poetry writing, meditation and talking to my friends about what is going on. I appreciate their support so much! You know who you are. 😉
But…how do we deal directly with the person. That can be difficult because of many factors. Sometimes the person just does not acknowledge the boundaries you are trying to build. Sometimes it is sheer stubbornness or even entitlement that keeps them motivated in their actions.
Here are a few actionable tips I have for dealing with this. You will see that I do not advocate sudden cutting of cords or ending of relationships. These tips are meant to help with openness between you and the person in question.
1) Keep stating your boundaries.
This might seem basic but it is important. Speak your mind and your boundaries. repeatedly. Use different words and express your needs in different ways. Hopefully, this will facilitate constructive communication.
2) State your expectations.
This is different than the last point. When I say expectations I’m talking about asking for apologies, reparations for damages done, Ect. If you have been hurt you have every right to ask for an apology and an acknowledgment of the wrongdoing. Preferably with a statement of how they intend to correct and heal the situation. This may seem like a very vulnerable thing to do. Remember though that you deserve respect and to be treated well.
3) Give full disclosure of your intent.
When communication ends up not being constructive we have to do what is healthy for us. Sadly at times, this means we must begin to limit or even cease associating with said person. So speaking your intent is important. They key is not to make it a threat. It should be a simple statement of your desire to heard, respected and loved. If these things cannot be provided, then for your health, you will have to engage in keeping distance between you and the other person.
Limiting their access to you may be enough. At this point, I would suggest getting professional help. This, we can all hope, will help with beginning the healing process between you.
4) Standing your ground.
At this point, if everything else reasonable and possible has been attempted…then stand your ground. Keep firm boundaries and do what must be done for your health and safety.
I will state right here… No matter what suggestions I give here..you must do what you feel is best for you. These are just some things I have learned while dealing with my toxic person. If you are in any serious danger then get yourself gone from that environment…immediately. Do not stay in a situation that will lead to your being seriously abused in any way. You are worth so much more
If you are in any serious danger then get yourself gone from that environment…immediately. Do not stay in a situation that will lead to your being seriously abused in any way. You are worth so much more than that. You do not deserve to be treated with anything less than respect and care.
I want to send out to you my love and support. You are stronger then you might realize at this moment. You are of value and worth…so demand to be treated that way. Do not settle for less than love and respect from every person in your life.
Brightest Blessing to you all.